You win a competition to replace Dr Chris Brown as the star of TV show Bondi Vet. Unfortunately,
your contract is cancelled after you perform surgery on a pet rabbit and it quickly becomes apparent
that you have no medical training whatsoever. Not only does the rabbit die, you also manage to kill
five gerbils, three dogs, a wombat and a cat named Mr Biggles in just one episode before TV bosses
finally pull the plug.
You and a group of friends book tickets to a ‘90s nostalgia night. You spend the evening mourning
Princess Diana, using dial-up internet and listening to ‘Everything I Do’ by Bryan Adams on loop.
In a Hannah Montana meets Fight Club situation, you discover that you have a split personality who
takes control of your body at night. When you think you’re asleep, what you’re actually doing is
touring the world as long-tongued pop star Miley Cyrus. You can’t be tamed!
They say home is where the heart is, and so it proves when doctors discover a colony of microscopic
parasites inside your aorta.
When Daniel Craig pulls out of the new 007 film over script issues, you become the surprise choice
of movie studio bosses to become the first transgender Bond.
Dressing up as Bill Cosby for Halloween is wrong on so many levels, so don’t say I didn’t warn you
when you’re viciously beaten by a bunch of offended women on the night. Ironically, as you lie in the
hospital barely consciously and unable to move due to all the pain-relief drugs in your system, you
are “interfered with” by a perverted doctor on the wards. Let’s just say the saline drip isn’t the only
salty liquid to enter your body that night.
Convinced that World War III is imminent, you decide to become a “prepper” survivalist, and start
stockpiling tins of food and camping equipment in the woods, even building a secret nuke-proof
bunker in some nearby bushland in preparation for the coming Armageddon. When the bombs start
to fall, you immediately bolt to your just-completed bunker and prepare to wait out the nuclear
winter by living on a diet of beans and spam for the next 20 years. Unfortunately, you’re forced to
adapt your plans somewhat when you discover Shane Warne is already in there. Apparently he’s
been using the bunker as his own personal sex hideaway and has just said farewell to the latest
anonymous leggy blonde he’s been knobbing after calling her an Uber. You spend the next two
decades locked inside a small, damp cellar listening to him recount his sexual exploits, explain in
detail about how he executed the ball of the century, and drone on about how popular he was with
everyone in the I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here camp. After less than five minutes alone with
him, you begin to envy the people whose faces melted off in the initial nuclear blast.
They say blood is thicker than water, and so it proves when doctors discover blood in your urine
during a check for kidney disease.
The weather is warming up and the days are getting longer, which can only mean one thing – climate
change is real and the ratio of work-life balance is getting horribly skewed.
You wake up one morning to discover you’ve become a yeti-type creature covered in hair and 7ft tall
with a distinct sloping brow. Shunned by society, you become a recluse, holing yourself up in the
attic of St Mary’s Cathedral in Sydney and living off a diet of pigeon droppings, pigeon eggs and fig
rolls. The good news is the condition will wear off in the next eight to ten years. Huzzahs!
Your attempts to lose weight through a steady routine of healthy eating and going to the gym hit a
snag halfway through the month when North Korea fires nuclear missiles at America, sparking World
War III. In the subsequent post-apocalyptic dystopian future, you are forced to eat carbs to survive.
As a result of your whiskery facial hair, you are cast in the role of Rumpleteaser in the next Broadway
production of Cats.