Sagittarius

In a damning investigative report by the Daily Telegraph involving a hidden camera and a “fake sheik”, the owner of the Sagittarius brand is caught on tape snorting cocaine and bragging about how he just “made up the idea of Sagittarius” in the ’50s as a publicity stunt and that there’s only really 11 star signs. He also claims that most “idiot” Sagittarians are ugly and don’t even realise there’s no such thing as centaurs in Greek mythology, he just invented them after hearing a funny joke about bestiality.

Virgo

Virgos are known to be sensible, rational people who approach situations with a scientific analytical approach. So why are you reading a horoscope to solve your problems? Dick.

Libra

At the stroke of midnight, you are magically transported back in time to 9am the previous morning. That’s right, it’s your own personal Groundhog Day! The only problem is, that was the morning after you got pissed and had that dodgy curry. In short, you spend most of the day puking or crapping – then do it all over again when the clock hits midnight. Forever.

Taurus

You get lost in the woods and end up being chased and savaged by a wolf. Luckily for you, it’s 86-year-old author Tom Wolfe, and you escape with little more than light grazing.

Pisces

You meet a mysterious stranger who promises to take you away on an exotic break far, far away to a distant land. A few days later you realise you awaken in a shithole bedroom with no mod cons at Butlins, Bognor Regis… that’ll teach you to take anything free you can get!

Leo

A new study reveals 80 percent of the people born between July 23 and August 22 suffer from a severe case of boring bastard. Try again next month.

Aries

Your reluctance to throw away old toothbrushes comes back to bite you when your partner uses one to clean some stains off the back of the toilet and accidentally leaves it back on the bathroom dresser. It’s only when you’re flossing afterwards and a chunk of poo comes out that the full horror of what’s happened hits you.

Gemini

You are selected to be a competitor on Australia’s latest reality TV show, a cooking meets home renovation crossover contest called My Restaurant Reno Rules on the MasterChef Block. You are eliminated in round four when you fail to win the hand in marriage of a farmer during a spelling competition.

Scorpio

You become the first of the zodiac signs to “go green”, exclusively using solar power for your entire energy usage. Unfortunately, this backfires somewhat as constellations only appear when the sun goes down. This leaves you with no power at all and you and the rest of your Scorpio kind revert to a kind of primitive caveman-style way of living.

Aquarius

Access to your horoscope has been severely disrupted due to roadworks. Scorpio readers who wish to access their horoscope are advised to set off early and take a detour through Leo past Orion’s belt. Major delays expected.

Capricorn

For years you’ve been slightly afraid to move between carriages on a moving train, you always thought it might be like opening a window on a plane in mid-flight and that you’d get sucked out by decompressing air. You conquer that fear this week, but are slightly disappointed to discover it just smells like someone cabbage-farted in that little room that adjoins both carriages. At least it’s one off the bucket list.

Cancer

You take a couple of acting lessons and are immediately picked for a small role on long-running daytime shitefest The Bold and the Beautiful. After a few days on set thinking stardom awaits, it’s explained to you that the only reason you got the part is because the show runners scoured the earth for an actor so bad it would make the awful cast look slightly better. In other words, you are the world’s worst actor. They kill you off in a dream sequence involving a seductive zombie and a huge anvil. Don’t ask.