BBM’s very own resident psychic, Crystal Balls, tells your fortune for the month in her very, very special way…

Taurus

An extreme allergic reaction to a new shampoo leaves you with the face of country music dullard Keith Urban. It wears off after a month but not until after you’ve been forced to make love to plastic-faced freak Nicole Kidman.

Aquarius

Product recall notice. Due to an error at our production facility, last month’s copy of Crystal Balls contained trace elements of almonds. Any Aquarians with a nut allergy who read their star sign for December should contact a doctor immediately. We apologise for any inconvenience.

Cancer

Isn’t it time you stopped setting yourself unrealistic new year resolutions? Come on, do you seriously think you’ll become the first person to set foot on Mars this year? And how much research have you actually done in your quest for a cure for cancer? Why not go for something more achievable – like not eating at McDonalds, KFC or Hungry Jacks. With a bit of positivity and encouragement, even a useless lardass like you can achieve it.

Pisces

Have you tripped or fallen while reading a horoscope? Did reading a horoscope ever cause you mental anguish, headaches or cause Pluto to fall out of alignment with Jupiter? Did you hurt your back as a result of carrying a water jug around for Aquarius? If you’ve had a horoscope-based injury or illness, then call Zodiac Compensation Lawyers 4 U – the premier star sign legal team.

“My horoscope told me to expect a windfall, so I went out and spent my entire life savings on the pokies,” says Mrs B Aries from Geelong. “I called Zodiac Compensation Lawyers 4 U and now I’m back on my feet living in a homeless shelter.”

Mr X Lunatic from Jakarta says: “My horoscope told me I’d meet the woman of my dreams – yet the previous night I had a nightmare about moors murderer Myra Hindley. The resulting psychologist fees crippled me financially, but Zodiac Compensation Lawyers 4 U won me back a cool $56 after successfully suing Mystic Meg.”

Mr T Tinnitus of Tehran adds: “My horoscope told me my life was about to change for the better so I should stop looking down. I duly fell down a manhole. Thanks to Zodiac Compensation Lawyers 4 U, I had my bus fare to the hospital paid for in full by Russell Grant.” Call us today!

Gemini (submitted by Buzzfeed)

You’re walking to work when you’re approached by an old woman with a shopping trolley. You won’t believe what she does next!

Capricorn

Your attempt to write a children’s Christmas story about a magical snowman who comes to life on Christmas Eve and makes snow appear by masturbating, fails to woo publishers.

Scorpio

Don’t even think about it. Seriously, I will fuck you up.

Aries

There’s disappointment all round when you go to see the new Star Wars film and discover it’s just an in-depth documentary about the Reagan-era space-based defence system developed by the US in the 80s.

Libra

Due to an administrative error, you are drawn to play Manchester United in the next round of the FA Cup. In one of the competition’s biggest ever shocks, you manage to hold the Premier League giants to a 1-1 draw courtesy of a late own goal by Juan Mata. Louis van Gaal blames the result on a poor offside decision in the second half when replays showed you had kept Wayne Rooney fractionally onside, only for his ‘goal’ to be chalked off by the linesman.

Leo

You bump into Rick Allen, the one-armed drummer from Def Leppard. Apparently the band’s signature song ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’ was written when he tried to make the rest of the group a coffee.

Sagittarius

You get a surprise while flicking through the January sales rack at Zara when you accidentally stumble across a lost Mayan tribe who have not had contact with the civilised world since the late 1300s.

Virgo

Always one to leave things until the last minute, you finally get around to starting your Christmas shopping.