Aries
You can smell something fishy and it seems your pet cat is getting a taste of it too.
But this isn’t New Zealand and we don’t condone bestiality – even if you play Rugby League.
Just remember the appropriate reply when your waitress asks if you wanted to “try the fish” and you should be fine.
Taurus
There is something special about you that draws other people in and makes them want to be around you.
It’s those massive breasts, you lucky girl. Use them while they’re useful – you won’t get free entry into clubs, a mountain of interested men and drinks ‘on the house’ when you’re sixty and those suckers are down to your knees.
Gemini
It’s inevitable that you are going to get caught with your pants down.
Remember, don’t piss against the wind because you’ll get wet.
Cancer
You may not like what you see around you but that’s because you’re looking through foggy goggles.
And because you haven’t gotten off the floor in days, so you’re living in a homemade tip.
Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it. It’s how I’ve lasted 600 issues, hun!
Leo
Your mummy always told you that couldn’t follow through.
Well, now there’s a rumble in the jungle and you have the chance to prove her wrong.
Have some toilet paper handy, hope you’re wearing sneakers…
Virgo
You’re the kind of person who always thinks they’re getting a bad rap.
But that’s because you’re favourite song is Culture Beat’s Mr Vain.
Time to change the record.
Libra
Paranoid is your middle name – but I can’t be held responsible for your parents’ sick joke.
You might think everyone hates you but, don’t worry, it’s merely disdain.
It’s not your fault you’re an ugly bastard – once again, your parents.
Scorpio
You know the old saying: the severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
You don’t? Well you will soon because you’re about to get a chronic case of genital herpes. Jackpot!
Sagittarius
There’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
It’s the light of an approaching train so you would be wise to move your fat ass out of it’s way unless you want to be flattened.
Then again, you have been thinking about flattening your stomach for a while now…
Capricorn
This is the second time that you have been scared half to death.
So if my mathematics are right, technically, you’re dead. How unfortunate.
Aquarius
An important question you might want to ask yourself is, how do blind people know when they are done wiping?
You may have shit in your eyes but just think how lucky you are.
Pisces
You’re not even worth it.
