BBM’s very own resident psychic, Crystal Balls, tells your fortune for the month in her regular special way…

Leo

Congratulations! You are named employee of the month. You use the opportunity to make a speech about the importance of tackling climate change and the need to reduce the gender pay gap in Hollywood. Always one to back your words with actions, you donate your prize to Jennifer Lawrence. I’m sure she’ll put that $25 gift voucher for Coles to good use.

Aries

Malcolm Turnbull shocks everyone by not only calling an early election, but also announcing the launch of a futuristic gladiatorial-style contest where people claiming for disability allowance have to battle to the death in a synthetically made arena for the right to keep up their payments.

Cancer

Hot on the heels of her smash hit political dirt-digging book The Road to Ruin, journalist Nikki Savva releases a new book detailing how YOU were personally responsible for some of the Abbott government’s biggest cock-ups, including Choppergate, Joe Hockey’s controversial first budget, and the decision to dump a billion tonnes of sludge on the Barrier Reef.

Gemini

You are forced to barricade yourself inside your own bedroom to get away from climate change activists after scientists discover that 50 per cent of global warming is caused by you leaving the bathroom light on just before you go to work. The amount of methane you release in the bathroom accounts for a further 10 per cent.

Pisces

Incensed by “Casino” Mike Baird’s lockout laws, you take matters into your own hands by committing as many violent assaults as possible during a rampage through Kings Cross, thus proving once and for all that the new rules don’t reduce violence in the CBD. In fact the stats show that violent assaults have skyrockets since the new rules, all thanks to your selfless acts of heroism. Sure you get a jail sentence for GBH, but it’s a small price to pay to allow other people to get pissed up at whatever time of the day they feel like. See you in 12 to 18 months.

Aries

You are forced to barricade yourself inside your own bedroom when Russian forces build-up on the border between your house and next door, which is owned by a Ukrainian billionairre. Vladimir Putin says the move is in response to “continued provocation of the Russian people” and that as President he has a duty to protect Russians everywhere. After two weeks of tense stand-offs, he finally annexes your bathroom using the help of military-trained insurgents and declares the area “part of Mother Russia”. Despite strong protests from the UN, they are powerless to intervene and for the next few months you are forced dodge Russian snipers every time you want to have a piss.

Aquarius

You break a long-held personal record this month when you have no less than six poohs in one day. Well done.

Sagitarrius

You are forced to barricade yourself in your own bedroom when Kim Jon Il moves in next door and starts conducting unauthorised rocket tests on the border between your house and his. You are also woken at 6am every morning by a loud PA system blaring pro-communist propoganda in Korean followed by a military parade where 1000 army personell march through his living room while saluting their head of state.

Virgo

Bad news. Your dreams of winning gold at the Olympics in Rio officially come to an end when you miss the deadline to enter the World Archery Championships, one of the main qualifiers for the Games. The fact you have no interest in archery and wouldn’t have been allowed to enter the championships anyway are also major hurdles. Still there’s always 2020. Don’t stop believing.

Scorpio

The makers of Game of Thrones pull off a huge shock in the first episode of the new series when popular character Harry Potter is beaheaded by the Lannisters and a frost giant sexually assaults Katniss Everdeen. The scenes are all the more shocking for the fact that neither character belongs in this particular fantasy franchise.

Taurus

It’s been 10 months since you last masturbated over Game of Thrones, so it’s with great anticipation and a tub of vaseline that you wait for the first episode of the new series to kick off with your trousers around your ankles.Twenty minutes in, and just as you’re about to climax over a particularly sexy scene involving a well-endowed dragon and several Dornish slave girls, the shot suddenly cuts to that fat bloke who plays Sam Tarly throwing up over the side of a boat. Worst. Orgasm. Ever.

Libra

I’m spent.