BBM’s very own resident psychic, Crystal Balls, tells your fortune for the month in her very, very special way…

SCORPIO
Move over Superman and Spiderman, after being bitten in a jazz club by a radioactive percussionist you become “Scatman” (or “Scatwoman”, let’s not discriminate). You decide to use your superpower of saying “skeebedee-bapbap-bo-doobydoo-wapwap-shawow-brrattat-at-tat” really fast to defeat crime and evil in all its forms. Just how you intend to do this is unclear, but good luck fleshing out the plan.

SAGITTARIUS / TOTES CRAY CRAY SAJJY
In a bid to stop a decline in membership and appeal to the zodiac’s younger demographic, the “Sagittarius” brand is replaced with a much fresher name that targets youth culture. From now on anyone born between November 23rd and December 22nd is a “Totes Cray Cray Sajjy” rather than a “Sagittarius” (it’s basically just like when Starburst replaced Opal Fruits – you’ll get used to it). As part of the rebranding process, you are legally required to wear an Adventure Time hoody and a T-shirt that says “Sajjy be sick, yo!” on the front.

ARIES
You decide to add a bit of showmanship to the start of the day by playing “I Can’t Go For That” by Hall and Oates really loudly on your iPod as you walk into the office, then dancing and miming to it for the full four minutes while waggling your finger at various members of staff when the chorus kicks in. It’s the first time anyone has been given a written warning for too many fake sax solos.

CANCER
Where did it go wrong Cancer? You used to be cool.

PISCES
Bloody hell my connection to the zodiac keeps dropping out. Every time I try to look in my crystal ball for a video of what you get up to this month, it just play a few seconds from a Vevo advert and then starts buffering indefinitely. And to think I queued up outside the Apple store for this. Maybe if I give Bill Gates another blowie he’ll fix it for me. He’s head of the Internet right?

GEMINI
You annoy a lot of people by giving away spoilers to the next series of Game of Thrones. Like the bit where Arya goes blind, or when Jorah teams up with Tyrion, or when Cersei does that whole nude walk thing. Remember, it’s not big or clever to ruin things for people who haven’t read the books, so don’t do it.

CAPRICORN
A month after Tony Abbott ate a raw onion, you manage to goad the imbecile into drinking his own urine.

TAURUS
Listening to your iPod while waiting at a train station can be dangerous. Sometimes you won’t hear an oncoming train until it glances your arm and breaks it, or – as in your case – you’re too busy miming the
words to “Shake it Off” to realise you’re stepping onto a carriage marked “Rabid Monkeys: Do Not Enter”. Those two minutes between Town Hall and Central are the longest of your life as you’re bitten, scratched and thrown from one frenzied simian to the next.

LEO
You manage to trace your family tree all the way back to Elizabethan times. Turns out your great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather, Ethelred, was the first person in the world to repeat a popular catchphrase in a bid to be funny. After watching “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”, Ethelred repeated the line “O me, you juggler, you canker-blossom, you thief of love!” down ye old tavern to much laughter and mirth. Sadly, his brief rise in popularity was usurped the following week when everyone started saying “You should be women, yet your beards forbid me to interpret that you are so” from Macbeth. It was the “I’m the only gay in the village” of its day.

LIBRA
You make a life-altering career decision this month. Instead of having your early morning dump before you go to work, you decide to do it after you get there. This buys you an extra 10 minutes to get ready for work, but makes for a very uncomfortable commute. Especially for anyone sat next to you.

AQUARIUS
Inspired by the film “Catch Me If You Can”, you dress up as an airline pilot and attempt to blag your way through security by using a load of sexy stewardesses as cover. The following 12 months are spent at a detention facility on Christmas Island where you are routinely beaten and sexually assaulted by fellow detainees. It’s not quite as sexy as Di Caprio made it look but that’s Hollywood for you.

VIRGO
It’s been coming for a while now but this month we can officially confirm the news: you are the least popular/ most boring star sign in the whole zodiac. Now I’d love to give you the rest of the news for April but I’m afraid I’m washing my hair. Maybe next time yeah?