crystal balls imageOur very own resident psychic, Crystal Balls, tells your fortune for the month in her very very special way…

You finally take the plunge and get on stage for an open-mic night at your local comedy club. It’s a brave move. Capricorns are known for their stability, maturity, calmness and ability to work on computers. Unfortunately, they’re not known for their sense of humour. Your act goes down so badly that you are physically assaulted midway through the gig by several irate members of the audience following a particularly bad “knock knock” joke. Leave the gags to Leo next time. That guy/gal cracks us up!

Your rampant egomania reaches new heights this month when you try to have sex with your own reflection in the TV. You’ve sunk so low you don’t even bother wiping the sex-juice off for several days. The sight of it dripping down the screen during an especially poor episode of 7th Heaven is a very disturbing image.

It’s true what they say – gambling is a mug’s game. Your run of back luck continues at Randwick Races this month. Not only do you lose $200 on the horses, you’re also mauled by a grizzly bear on the way home. Ironically, you would have got brilliant odds on that happening.

Sorry Pisces, I could do your horoscope but I need a massive dump. Crystal’s bowels take precedence dear.

Think of any number below 10. Double it, add six to it, then divide the result by two. Then take away the number your originally thought of. Using my amazing powers, I guess that the number you now have is… three. Ta-dah! Now if that doesn’t prove I’ve got the power to see the future I don’t know what does. Think about that the next time you tell your mate “that old slapper in BBM doesn’t know what she’s talking about”. Cynical prick.

You’ve noticed your partner has been a bit cold and distant lately. You’re right to be suspicious. Two weeks ago she was kidnapped by aliens and replaced with an android whose mission is to spy on humanity. If you don’t believe us, there’s a way to test her. The android’s inner-wiring doesn’t react well with water, so next time she’s asleep/recharging, fill a bucket full of water and chuck it over her. If she reacts badly, perhaps yelling a few obscenities, then she’s clearly an android. I’ll give you more information on how to deal with the alien menace in next week’s Crystal Balls. Until then, keep watching the skies!

Expect a call from Cricket Australia this month. They’re so short of decent batsmen they’re literally calling everyone in the country to give them a trial.

Aries rhymes with fairies. You do the math!

I’d keep an eye on Leo if I were you. Crazy son of a bitch thinks his girlfriend’s an alien. Looks like his schizophrenia’s back. He was doing so well too.

After a particularly heavy night on the sauce, you and a friend decide to break into Taronga Zoo. One thing leads to another and, before you know it, you’ve tranquilised and kidnapped a grizzly bear. You convince a taxi driver it’s just a friend in a bear costume who’s dead drunk, but halfway home the beast wakes up and you kick it out of the car somewhere around Randwick. Thankfully you manage to get the ring-tailed lemur hidden in your pants all the way home.

“I’m never gonna dance again, guilty feet have got no rhythm.” So crooned George Michael on Wham! hit ‘Careless Whisper’. How prophetic those words are for you this month, when your girlfriend finds out you shagged her best friend and runs you over in her car leaving you paralysed from the waist down.

What? James Gandolfini’s dead? When did this happen? I didn’t see that coming. Sorry Cancer, no horoscope for you this month, I’m in mourning for one of the most sensitive lovers I ever had. Oh no wait, that’s not him – that’s the guy from The Sopranos. Who am I thinking of then? Oh that’s right, it was Ray Winstone – which would explain why he kept yelling “who’s the facking daddy!” when he shagged me up the wrong ‘un. Such a tender lover.

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