I’m not an alcoholic. I can stop drinking any time I’ve got no money. Ryan, Bondi
I got pulled over for speeding earlier today.
“You’ve got to let me go Officer,” I pleaded, “My wife is due any minute!”
He said, “What, due as in pregnant?”
I said, “No, due as in home from work, and I’ve left midget porn on the laptop.” Phil, Paddington
I love the look on people’s faces, standing soaked in the rain at the bus stop as I drive past.
It’s partly why I became a bus driver. Ben, Bondi
‘Henry’ the hoover, that small round thing that you drag round the house with that stupid grin as it bumps into everything possible.
Can’t help thinking ‘Harvey’ was a better suited name. Jon, Surry Hills
Upon the birth of my new son, we all celebrated traditionally with Cuban cigars.
The little poof was sick after only one drag. Kev, Fitzroy
I’m watching Ana Ivanovic playing at Wimbledon and the Umpire has just said, “New balls please.”
I know what he means, I’ve just emptied mine!Simon, Manly
I got really angry at my daughter for being fat and lazy.
“All you do is sit about the house,” I moaned, “Away and make use of that skipping rope I bought you!”
She must have broken into one hell of a sweat in the last week because there’s a horrendous smell emanating from her room. Geoff, St Kilda
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