I read something the other day that made me piss myself.
It was a sign that said “Toilets closed”.
Peter, Yorkshire

As I looked down at my son in his coffin, I thought: “Why can’t the little Emo twat sleep in a bed like normal teenagers?”
John, Wollongong

Does Africa have a Lynx ‘England’ Deodorant that smells of cigarettes and disappointment?
Rick, Darwin

I think my teacher fancies me; there were loads of kisses all over my homework…
And a photo of his cock.
Jimbo, Townsville

My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and I’m worried because it means I can also get it one day.
Thankfully nobody in our family has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s before. 
Jack, Chicago

Our Brazilian housekeeper is rubbish at making the beds.
She’s very tidy downstairs though. 
Roger, Randwick

My girlfriend ended up with two black-eyes last night.
I can’t believe she fell for the old boot polish on the binoculars trick. 
Sam, Surry Hills

When you catch a fish and put it back, do you reckon it goes back to its mates and says it was abducted by aliens? 
Timothy, Perth

I was in a mood earlier because the wife accused me of always trying to be clever.
After hours of awkward silence, she asked: “What’s the matter?”
I replied: “It is the basic structural component of the universe.”
Ted, Leeds

Just downloaded the new FIFA 11 commentary update.
Not much different, although when my girlfriend went on it, Andy Gray shouted: “put that fucking controller down and get back to the kitchen.” 
Dexy, Surry Hills