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In a Scottish classroom, the teacher asked a pupil: “If you have five pounds, and I ask to borrow two, how much money do you have left?”

The pupil said: “Five pounds.”

You can tell a lot about a person by their car.

For example, if it’s in a ditch, it’s a woman.

Could you be living next door to a paedophile?

Not me. I live next door to two sexy ten-year-olds.

Every night I have a recurring dream that my best friend is sucking my dick.

Should I tell him he’s gay?

My wife thinks I’m too drunk to take the goldfish for a walk.

I’ll show her.

A female plumber?

Yeah, I’d tap that.

HOW very odd. Some girl has had all her Valentines flowers and teddy bears delivered to a lamp post on the A12 near Brentwood.

I called the Samaritans once, saying that I felt like throwing myself in front of a train and needed help.

They told me to stay on the line.

Me and the wife filmed our sex session tonight so we could put it on the web. It was over so fast I managed to upload it as a jpeg.

AS I walked past my ex, I gave her one of those horrible looks.

I threw sulphuric acid in her face.

I got in a load of trouble at the farm recently with my German boss.

Turned out he wanted me to order 30 sows and pigs, not 30,000 pigs.

Dexy, Surry Hills