It’s your birthday dear Leo, so remember to invest in wrinkle cream and asses milk as you’ll be needing the help. But it’s not all about you, so here are Crystal’s horoscope predictions for August…

Pisces

NSW Premier Mike Baird bans Pokemon Go in the state after a report finds widespread evidence of live-baiting in the game, with trainers often setting packs of wild nidorans on a scared and frightened pikachu. The nidorans are then goaded on as they tear the unfortunate pikachu to shreds. It’s also estimated that up to 1000 nidorans a year are destroyed by trainers in illegal breeding programs.

Virgo

You are accused of trolling people after spending the month under a bridge harassing billy goats gruff.

Gemini

Much to your surprise you are invited to film “Carpool Karaoke” with James Corden for the following night’s episode of the Late, Late Show. He picks you up from your place in the afternoon, asks if you mind driving, and the two of you spend the rest of the day driving around singing the biggest hits of the week. Later that night, you realise you’ve been duped when you see a news report warning people to be on the lookout for a chubby 37-year-old sex offender with an English accent who pleasures himself manually while getting people to sing and chauffer him around town.

Libra

After a particularly heavy night of drinking, you wake up the next morning naked next to the cold, dead body of cheeky racist Pauline Hanson, who is decked out in a hijab. Please explain.

Taurus

You wake up in the middle of the night confused and frightened when you realise several people have surrounded your bed and are pointing their phone at you. After a while, it becomes clear the makers of Pokemon Go have put a Pokemon Gym in your bedroom and it’s just a bunch of 20-something nerds who aren’t aware of societal norms and personal boundaries. You quickly scare them off by trying to socialise with them.

Sagittarius

As part of the Coalition’s new policy to tackle climate change, Malcolm Turnbull passes a law forcing everyone born between November 21 and December 21 to wear a sandwich board made out of solar panels outside major corporations to help them with their energy bills. The law only applies to voters with an average wage of less than $100,000 a year. When asked how this will reduce carbon emissions, a blank-eyed Turnbull continually repeats the phrase “jobs and growth” over and over again until drool starts forming.

Capricorn

This is a reminder that it has been two years since your last eye test.

Aries

You go down to the beach and are bitten on the ankle by a were-fish. For the rest of your life, every full moon, you turn into a haddock and spend the night flapping about in bed gasping for breath.

Leo

In a bid to reduce BBM’s carbon footprint, as of next month we will be reducing our horoscope from 12 star signs to 11 to save on paper. However, we’ll still need to use a page with the same dimensions, so as a compromise we’ll replace the Leo section with a drawing of a miniature wind farm.

Cancer

After a good week at work, you are praised by your boss and given an early finish on Friday as a reward. However, the sense of recognition it gives you is swiftly undermined when Taylor Swift’s team of PR experts claim she did most of your work for you under a pseudonym. Soon you are being hounded on social media by Tay-Tay fans with the hashtag #hatersgonnahate.

Aquarius

Just days before the end of the English Premier League transfer window, you are called into your manager’s office. Apparently, Manchester City have offered him $2million to sign you on a four-year-deal as part of a desperate bid to make sure they win this year’s Champions League by signing anyone who’s ever touched a football. You gleefully sign the contract, but are dismayed when you are immediately loaned out to sister club Khyrsktazan Dynamo in the Yakutsk Fourth Division. For the next four years, you spend your life breaking various bones on frozen-hard pitches and hunting caribou as your only source of food. Still, at least the standard of football is the same as the A-League.

Scorpio

Your best friend goes to Ikea and is never seen again. Years later, staff find a skeleton behind a particularly ugly tartan sofa-bed. Remember kids, never stray from the Ikea path.
Read the latest Ask Crystal agony aunt column