BBM’s very own resident psychic, Crystal Balls, tells your fortune for the month in her very, very special way…

Taurus

You are accused of first-degree murder in the American state of Connecticut, despite never having been there, and also having several witnesses confirming you were at work in Australia at the time of the crime. However, your accuser is none other than belly-dancing Latino diva Shakira, whose hips famously never lie. After months battling an extradition order in the court, you’re finally sent to the States for trial. The verdict stands on a knife edge, until the police get you to take part in a line-up with four people of similar build and complexion. Officers then lead a blindfolded Shakira down the line and, as she passes you, her hips start gyrating furiously – indicating that you are indeed the guilty party. You are sentenced to life imprisonment with no chance of parole.

 

Aquarius

Controversial new Channel 9 sitcom “Meet the Aquarians” comes in for criticism for its stereotypical depiction of Aquarians as a bunch of water-carrying hoodlums who all come from Western Sydney.

 

Cancer

Running short on people to attack and demonise, Donald Trump suddenly turns his attention to you, calling you “A f—king pussy” for not turning up to the televised debates and calling for your public castration by anyone with access to a bowie knife.

 

Pisces

You go for a routine filling on one of your molars and, to your surprise, the dentist looks almost exactly like famous method actor Daniel Day Lewis. After half-an-hour of excruciating pain as he works on you, during which you lose a tooth and swallow two pints of your own blood, the dentist reveals that he is indeed Day-Lewis and he is “getting into the part” of his next role for a film called “All The President’s Teeth”. Refusing to break character, he still charges you $250 for butchering your mouth.

 

Gemini

While experimenting in the kitchen, you stumble across a fantastic new recipe of your own design that involves baking a combination of mincemeat, mashed potatoes, carrots and peas. You head straight to Coles and Woolworths with your product, hoping to start a high-range bidding war, only to be told the recipe has been freely available for centuries and is commonly referred to as shepherd’s pie.

 

Capricorn

With viewing figures plummeting, producers of the show “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here Australia” officially scrape the bottom of the celebrity barrel when they convince you to be parachuted into the jungle as the show’s new contestant. Apparently you qualify as a celebrity because you once appeared in the background of an episode of Bondi Vet. Ironically, that still makes you more famous than Dean Geyer.

 

Scorpio

After a drunken night up town, you end up in bed with Asher Keddie, the star of hit Aussie drama Offspring. It proves a disappointing experience, however, as you’re constantly interrupted by her internal monologue discussing her dead husband Matt Le Nevez.

 

Aries

Despite being tipped for relegation at the start of the season, Aries United still top the Zodiac Premier League at Easter thanks to the astute man-management of veteran Italian coach Claudio Ranieri.

 

Libra

You buy a coffee at your favourite café and, as the barista hands you your drink, he says: “enjoy your coffee”. Unfortunately, you thought he was going to say “enjoy your day” and so you instinctively reply “you too”, which doesn’t really make any sense. Consequently, you spend the rest of the month taking the long way to work just to avoid that cafe due to social embarrassment.

 

Leo

You fulfil a lifelong ambition when you punch the Pope full in the face.

 

Sagittarius

You and the rest of the crew of the Nostromo are on your way back to Earth when you pick up an SOS warning from a distant planet. After searching for survivors, the crew heads home only to realize that a deadly alien that bleeds acid and has a prehensile tail has joined you.

 

Virgo

You catch a rare disease from an uncooked chicken leg and turn into a caribou. The last anyone sees of you is you migrating to the frozen wastes of the Ungava region in Quebec.